Sway back and forth like an autumn breeze,
Just a small taste, give you all a tease,
Inviting change, welcome change,
Make it safe for all the folk who came,
Take our space up in the vocal gang,
Put me in the place, you will know my name
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. -Psalm 37:7 NLT
This scripture has been popping out to me everywhere! I feel like this is what God wants me to do. Lately I’ve been worrying so much about everything. I started having crazy migraines and actually started going blind these last few months (praise God it’s been reversing though lately!). Because of that though I’ve had to drop out of school this semester (one semester from my bachelor’s degree!!), lose my work study job, had to move back home to mom’s, take steroids (that make me eat like crazy and have horrible emotional side effects). I’m not only in student loan debt now, but because of my rare immune system disease I’m in thousands of dollars in medical bills that I can’t pay.
Not to mention, my mom and I have temporarily switched roles to help me out. She just started college full time and has been staying at my apartment (an hour away) so she can leave me her van during the week (because my car needs a new motor which I can’t afford). I’m living in her house, helping taking care of my 13 year old brother, 17 year old sister, and grandpa. I’m not complaining about helping my family because I love it and I love them more than life, but this is all so weird. I’m looking for a job (other than my 4 hour a week job). Also, my boyfriend is taking on 2 jobs to attempt to help me, and I can’t but feel guilty because I didn’t ask that of him and that’s way too much for someone to do for another person.
So, my life has completely turned around. I’ve been feeling like a failure to the extreme. I was just a youth pastor for almost 9 months!! I was so strong and confident in who I was in Christ, and then all this craziness happened. I got pulled down to the lowest I didn’t know I could be. That doesn’t make me weak or not a Christian, but it still sucks.
Anyway, I broke down and really prayed hard the other day because I’ve been so scared and discouraged. I felt like I heard the words, “wait patiently.” I am NOT one of patience AT ALL and to hear that wasn’t fun, but I know wholeheartedly that is what I need to do. I need to stop looking back at all the negative, cruddy stuff I could complain about and truly wait on the Lord. He promises to see me through, but not when my head is wrapped around worry. It’s so difficult to not worry in this situation, but that’s what trusting in the Lord is all about. Even when we don’t understand or see any glimmer of hope, God knows what He’s doing and will definitely see you out. It’s just the being still and patient part that I have to work on…
The side effects of my medicine are kicking me extremely hard the last few days. It’s not only messing with my emotions horribly, but also physically. I can’t think straight, and I feel like I can’t control myself at all. I’m usually a positive, silly upbeat person. Lately I’ve been breaking down and crying for no reason, getting super ragey, then super excited, quiet, and it cycles uncontrollably.
I have to take these steroids because I’m getting treated for a rare immune system disease that affects my vision, ears, and brain. The medicine is working amazingly in curing me, but the side effects suck so freakin’ bad. I feel like a monster (no Skillet reference intended lol).
I am in need of prayer right now! I feel so broken and weak, but at the same time, I know how powerful prayer can be, so I’m asking all you prayer warriors to lift up this situation with me. My God is a healing God!
|—||Romans 7:15 NLT|
You know all my thoughts
You see through my ways
And still You come to me
And so I sing a love song to You
|—||1 Corinthians 6:12 NLT|
I’m doing this Bible study on the first chapter of Romans. It says in verse 20:
For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. -Romans 1:20 NLT
God reveals His existence every day in so many ways! For some people, believing in God comes easier because we can just look at the trees, sunset, oceans, stars, and the amazingness of nature and know there HAS to be a creator. For others though, it’s a little more difficult. Some need more proof than others.
God knows we have unbelief. A good example of God revealing Himself in times of unbelief the story of Thomas. He walked, talked, and ate with Jesus, and yet He STILL wasn’t completely sure Jesus had risen. It took him actually touching Jesus’s palms before he completely believed Him.
Jesus met Thomas halfway. James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” If you’re starting to have doubts about your faith or even in believing in God, don’t be ashamed. It happens to everyone, even a disciple of Jesus. Don’t give up, or wait for God to make the first move. God says if you move closer to Him, He’ll do the same. Don’t lose faith.
Maybe you’ve heard about this acronym before: Pray Until Something Happens. I’ve heard it about a million times growing up, and it randomly popped in my head this afternoon. Although I’ve heard it many times, I actually thought about its meaning. We are a generation that’s all about instant gratification. We don’t have patience for anything. I’ll admit, I even get frustrated when my phone takes forever to load an app or something.
Anyway, we start expecting God to give us million dollar answers to our ten cent prayers. After all, God knows the desires of our hearts, right? The thing is that, God doesn’t want spoiled brats as his children. He wants us to pursue Him, chase after Him, and simply come to Him through the good and bad times. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and keep praying until something changes.
Even if your prayer isn’t instantly answered, keep your focus on God. Keep asking! He knows your needs before you even ask, and since He knows all, He knows what timing is the best. Don’t lose heart. Keep praying until something happens (even if it’s not the outcome you expect).
Tonight I layed down something I was keeping inside and mostly to myself for too long. I realized I can’t hold onto that hurt, addiction, and sin anymore. I’m a youth pastor and an example to others, which has made it harder to confess my hurt and struggles. I didn’t do this “in the moment,” or for approval. I just wanted to share the freedom I have in Christ! God’s glory is totally worth bragging about.
Your heart is precious. Don’t give anyone an opportunity to crush it.
This is what I strive to be!
Galatians 5:13 says that we are called to live in freedom. Why then are we still living in defeat? Jesus didn’t rescue us so we could be stuck in addictions all of our life. If you feel like you can’t get out of something and you keep falling into the cycles, there is hope! I know it sounds easier said than done, but let go and let God have it. God’s purpose is for us to be free!
But last week I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. I love him so much, so why would I break it off you ask? I don’t expect everyone to understand, but it’s because of the differences in beliefs. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I know I’m not going to marry someone who isn’t a Christian. I don’t want to waste his or my time.
I know there isn’t a perfect husband out there, but I don’t want to lower my standards in the process. I honestly don’t think having similar beliefs is too much to ask for.
I’m choosing not to date until after college. This will give me more time to focus on my degree, my job, and my relationship with God. I believe this decision will be worth it in the end, and I’m trusting God :)